crankybabs: the people's avenger

2003-09-11T20:19:00.000-04:00

Hahahahahaha- crankiness reigns again! This time I am after the subgenre of technical support workers who feel the need to malign the fact that my home computer is running Windows 95. Yes, 95 is old. Yes, I realize that. No, I am not at all interested in getting an update. Why not? I'm sorry, I don't think I need one just because some 18 year old thinks my operating system is prehistoric. At any rate, I am sitting here using my 95, not downloading the latest security breach patch, knowing that all the precious college papers I wrote are not being hacked into by thugs desperate to pass Psych 003.

2003-09-07T00:53:00.000-04:00

Crankybabs is back! After a long hiatus, during which she experienced the elation of a new job and quitting a terrible job, a trip to London (my most favorite place in the world save Venice) and some tense lease negotiations. I am finally back to my cranky self. I believe this is because my 25th birthday creeps ever closer and the sad realization that I am not everything I thought I would be by 25 tolls in my head. I am on a good path to somewhere and have no real complaints, except perhaps that I am not the glamorous American youth presented on television. My life as a single city girl is a far cry from Friends or Bridget Jones or other shows where things really happen to people and crazy circumstances work out marvelously in the protagonist's favor. In my case, life is quotidian, samey and slightly dull. Quirky but really mainly dull. In a twisted way I miss the verbal abuse of Amazonia, I mean not really miss but it gave me something to hate. And now I find myself being mellow and hating that even more.

2003-07-09T20:21:00.000-04:00

I figure that with the war being over and me liking my new job, all I have left to complain about is entertainment. I am disappointed in the quality of today's programming. The latest horrific one was "who wants to marry my dad?" Answer: I don't know, but perhaps you kids aren't doing daddy a favor by finding him a wife via tv show. Is it really that different than ordering him a bride by mail? At any rate, Malibu Mel and I got sucked into the Caesar miniseries starring none other than Jeremy Sisto of Clueless, Chris Noth "Big" of Sex & the City and Dumbledore of Harry Potter. The worst thing about this movie, by far, was that we enjoyed it. And Melly and I sat there thinking "ooh, I wonder what happens next!" And then we came to the horrifying realization that we should KNOW what happens next. I mean it is based on historical fact. Between the two of us, we correctly identified that Caesar was Roman, and may or may not have been affiliated with the eponymous salad dressing and pregnancy surgery. So in my new found lack of knowledge, I decided to rectify the gap in my education by watching more movies about ancient times. And what better place to start than Cleopatra starring Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton, Rex Harrison, Martin Landau and Archie Bunker from All in the Family (that's true.) This movie is just screaming to be featured on Mystery Science Theater. Between the brilliant captioning ["Egyptian music playing"- that was unexpected in a movie about Egypt], the low tech fight scenes (was that a canvas backdrop?) and best yet the finest collection of inverted pots, vases, and bejewelled turbans that any actress has ever worn in all recorded films, this movie offers something for everyone. It's also 4 hours long. I guess Gladiator sort of tried to capture the same timeframe but Russell Crowe was just so damn earnest. Liz Taylor, on the other hand was like I am wearing a forty pound gold encrusted dress, the largest fake eyelashes ever created and the pot that once contained the director's ficus, and I am going to say my lines, roll my eyes, and run off with a few of my costars. In a way- it is the ultimate girl power film.

2003-07-07T22:45:00.000-04:00

Babs has a cold. Blech! It is so hot outside and so cold inside (at work where I can't control the temperature) that I couldn't help it. I have discovered a few things with my cold though- 1. I hate nasal sprays but they work. I think sticking anything up your nose is a bad idea. 2. In movies like Scarface when they have actors "snorting" coke- how do they do that? Did Al Pacino really snort like half a kilo of pixie stick powder? Or is there like a sticky substance in the rolled up dollar bills that catches the powder? And worst yet, how am I ever going to fing out the answer? Will I have to wait until an actor who played an addict appears on an online chat or something? Any other suggestions?

2003-06-27T15:42:00.000-04:00

Ahhh- life is good in crankyland! Why is that? It's my week off after escaping from job hell. I've written a limited amount about my ex-boss (maybe not limited enough). For a better idea of exactly what she's like read "The Devil Wears Prada." An eerily accurate description of Amazonia. Hard to read at times if you are still suffering PTSD from work, but funny. So on my week off I have done the following: listened to an intense amount of Willie Nelson and given serious consideration to just running off to West Virginia and living on a mountaintop (there's still time), been tax free shopping in Delaware, watched tv, lots and lots of tv and finally, in a fit of being social, agreed to leave the house after 2 pm to go drinking with old friends. A good week. Tomorrow I return to the compound to renegotiate my lease with malibumel. (her new moniker makes me briefly consider changing my name to Summerfun Barbie, but no one would actually call me that). My next task is to make July 4th plans. From now on, I am schedulihg my own holidays, when they are convenient for me. Maybe I want to celebrate America's independence on March 24- what about that? Maybe February 21st should be a national holiday commemorating any woman who stays married to the same man for more than 10 years without trying to run him over with a car. At any rate, I will work on that whole "choose your own holiday" thing.

2003-06-22T23:36:00.000-04:00

Oh- I forgot to add the disclaimer that I will now be working for a branch of powersource diamond. Or at least the company that manages the powersource diamond account. I will not be doing anything technical though, since I couldn't even if I wanted to. I have no skills whatsoever, and yet I manage to get hired and am unsuccessful, despite repeated attempts at getting fired from jobs when I want to. What a weird thing to complain about.

2003-06-22T23:31:00.000-04:00

I've done it- I have finally escaped from my evil, evil ex-workplace. My former co-workers and I have taken to calling it the Hotel California since Amazonia (my female boss- so named because of her impressive height) and my male boss (who was always nice to me so I cannot think of an appropriate nickname for) make it hard to leave. Almost impossible. During my I quit/I'm giving two weeks notice conversation they threatened to NOT let me go on vacation. Then they tried to get me to stay until July 7, the first convenient day for me to leave. Finally, when those two possibilities fell through, they denigrated my whole entire new career choice with the oh-so-subtle statement "I don't want to be a wet blanket, but the tech sector isn't doing very well right now, so I really hope you are making the right decision." Thanks, Amazonia, sweet as always. Why don't you just get it all out and express your deep shock that another living human would hire me. At any rate, that is all history. I will miss my old co-workers, with whom I had become close as work became more and more like an internment camp. But I will not be looking back. Oh, no, no regrets about leaving. On to bigger and what has to be better things. I don't even want to think about what could possibly be worse!

2003-06-13T14:05:00.000-04:00

I've found that the Chicago Manual of Style offers some excellent grammatical example sentences that also somehow refer to me. I'm not sure if the editors make these sentences up or if they are from some actual novel, but this Babs must be quite a character!
"Charlotte and I stayed away from the piazza that afternoon because we feared Babs might still be there."
"Babs was seen entering the Villa Sorrento, where Tom was staying."
"When Babs asked Morgenstern to drive her to the piazza, his reply was, "Ah my dear, if only I had the time!"
"Babs wondered uneasily when Anselm had discovered the key was missing."
I'll have more in the future- those were too good not to share!

2003-05-29T14:55:00.000-04:00

also, as an offering to the gods of spring, i am changing my nickname to malibumel. may malibu weather come to powersource diamond and the surrounding metro area!

2003-05-29T14:53:00.000-04:00

there's some sort of contract win/fiesta/free food/etc. going on here (at powersource diamond hq) starting at 5... at our parties we teach new employees (like young cb) the secret handshake. and also the dance. it is only performed at these types of gatherings. it is an interpretive dance. new employees are in the "culture" group. i interpret "value." some of senior management is in the "brand management" troupe. you should see them dance out the emotion inherent in cobranding a web application between two agencies. they should perform at the met. were this not a proprietary, top-secret sort of thing. (makes you want to be a powersource diamond'er, doesn't it?)

2003-05-25T21:05:00.000-04:00

It's been forever since last blog. I think my brain last worked on May 3rd. And if you read below, that is debatable. today's topic: dating. Why? Interesting occurrences in Babsland or crankyland or wherever I am supposed to be living- the people's republic of crankybabs. Anyway- my coworker age 24 (not that that matters) is currently dating a 34 year old, in the process of getting divorced but not yet finalized, father of 5. yes, 5, 5 children that is. Young ones (not that that matters). But honestly, coworker is bitchy but not unattractive, theoretically there is at least <i>one other man on earth she could currently date. Now, don't get me wrong. This is not a love match. This is a self-proclaimed fling. Again, fine. But WHO has a fling with a not-yet-divorced five time daddy. The man did not just have one kid, he had five of them. And since I know more of his background than I'd like, I can viciously, but truthfully gossip that they were the make-up babies he and his wife had the five previous times they tried to divorce. Yeah, that's classy. Use your children as relationship glue, that'll work. Anyway- I would like to give props to my coworker for singlehandedly redefining good taste, decorum and a healthy regard for her own self-worth. Has no one ever thought that perhaps men would not be such assholes if we bonded together and agreed not to degrade ourselves by, you know, sleeping with whatever yutz stumbles into our path. The man, nice though he may be, is in fact a loser with a maturity issue, or at least five of them. Granted, he has nothing on the issues of dear co-worker but still. And, yes, as a way to maintain journalistic integrity, I will come forward now and admit that the last five men who propositioned me (okay, all the men who proposition me) were either married or homeless. But at least I had the good taste and or basic level intelligence to say no thank you. Which apparently is not a given for some people I know.

2003-05-03T17:28:00.000-04:00

Ok- write me and complain about how I post im conversations. I am sorry if all of my inspiration comes from these things. In honor of Kentucky Derby:
Loracita: wanna go to to the preakness
Babs: um where is it
Babs: and when
Loracita: 17th may pimlico in balt
Babs: hmm
Babs: we could
Babs: I would go
Babs how much is it
Babs: and would you drive?
Loracita: looking....hell yeah..i wanna get drunk in the infield
Babs: hahahah
Loracita: : 35 bucks a tic
Babs: ok but um you would need to be sober before driving again- or should we find a place to stay in bmore
Babs:ok so when do you need your answer for the preakness
Loracita: not now....
Babs: it is on a saturday right
Loracita: : yuppers 2 weeks from today
Babs: why do horses have such wack names
Babs: citation, as indicated, include
Loracita: cause they r running out of names for the,m
Babs: my horse is going to be named badass mofo
Loracita: : mine shall be gingerbread coffin
Loracita: : hehehe i like that name
Loracita: : sugary and disturbing
Babs: and then I will name them after rappers
Babs: tone loc
Babs: puff daddy
Loracita: : YES
Babs: stay puffd marshmallow man
Babs: which is an AWESOME name for a horse if I say so myself
Loracita: stay puffed marshmallow daddy
Babs: then I'll start with themes like I hate my family, mentally disturbd, religious scandal
Babs: awesome
Loracita: YES
Babs: ok that is our horses name
Babs: if people ask who we are rooting for
Loracita: : lets buy a racehorse
Loracita: : name it that
Babs: ok
Babs: can we pay with monopoly money?
Loracita: : and wear HUGE hats on tv when he wins
Babs: and can I weara monacle?
Loracita: : YES
Loracita: : YES YES PLEASE
Babs: ok
Loracita: : and carry a small yippy dog in the winner circle with you
Babs: I want ONE of those
Loracita: : with a diamond collar
Loracita: : and a hat that matches yours
Babs: the dog's name is going to be grandmaster flash
Loracita: : AND A DOGGIE MONOCOLE
Babs: or funkadelic shagmonster
Loracita: yes ye syou need to mention on tv that the dogs name is funkadelic shagmonster
Babs: oh I will
Babs: give the announcer a kiss lil funkadelic shagmonster
Loracita: : oh god yes
Babs: ok next step
Babs: find rich man
Babs: then slowly ruin his life
Loracita: : hahahahah bring me in as tge strange mysterious friend
Babs: yes
Babs: then we can have high school acquaintances give interviews about us to the natl inquirere
Babs: and sell the story to NBC based on a true story miniseries
Loracita: : damn
Babs: It could be called something like "life and times of badass mofo: the crankybabs story"
Loracita: : HEY
Babs: hey WHAT
Loracita: : me me
Loracita: : me your forgetting ME
Babs: ok fine "also featuring Loracita: "
Loracita: : i will not be red shirted here
Babs: does THAT satisfy you
Babs: also crankybabs is a better lifetime movie name
Babs: I just need to hyphenate it somehow
Babs: -saxburg-blenheim or something
Babs: or churchill harriman- something aristocratic either that or arabic
Babs: like al faheed
Loracita: : yeah you need some new names...go mary and divorce a few times please...i cant work with you untill you do that

2003-05-03T00:26:00.000-04:00

It's tourist season here, which means everyone I know is gearing up to complain. Complain, complain, complain, about tourists, their jobs, the weather, sunburn, etc. I think, in order for us to establish cranky camaraderie, we need to establish some ground rules. Let's call these my crankybabs guidelines for spreading the angst.
1. Do not, under any circumstances, complain about your salary to someone who is paid less than you. I do not care if your coworker who does the same job gets paid $40 billion while you are only making $1 billion, an outrageous 1/40 of his salary. If crankybabs is making 1/400th of what you are (which she probably is) she does not give a flying fuck that you feel your employer undervalues you. Get over yourself. You are the employee, by definition you are undervalued. Do not complain to others about it. Sometime we all have to take one for the team, which in this case is capitalism. Accept your hardship and move on.

2. Do not complain to someone who weighs more than you do about your needing to lose weight. Believe me, the other person might act like they sympathize but underneath they are calling you a series of unmentionable names. No-no- do not be mislead- this sort of complaint strategy is not the way weight loss support groups are formed.

3. Do not complain about your love life to single friends or friends who have just broken up. In fact, do something novel, instead of complaining about your love life, confront your lover and work together to solve the issue. Yes, complaining is fun, but making up after a fight should be more fun.

4. Do not seize on one event/person/exploding pothole and make that your broken record fallback complaint. Variety is the spice of life. Complain about something new every day! Stun your friends with the breadth of your cranky outlook on the world. Don't box yourself in to the same old complaint- diversify!

5. Finally, and honestly, five guidelines for complaining is more than enough already- do not complain about problems you do not have any plans to work towards fixing. That is abusing the good name and malintentioned spirit of complainers everywhere. The best complaints are those that are followed up with an outrageous story of how you tamed the mailman by throwing a stapler at him or how you told off your local republican for assuming you were part of the cult because you can pronounce foie gras.
Good luck and happy complaining. Oh yes, and if any of you screw up, I'm so ready to complain about that :)

2003-05-01T16:14:00.000-04:00

Warning- the following blog contains incendiary comments about cokeheads and Japanese elderly ladies in poor financial positions who wear Prada. If you feel that you identify with either group you might want to skip this entry.
Below is a partial im transcript between my mother and me about my credit card statement
Mom:ok than how about the 63 for steve madden he is in jail by the way and hopefully he is not using this money for cocaine hopefully some of these things can be used again
Mom: dr phil says to acknowledge your fetishes and accept them accept the fact that you can not resist shoes
Babs: yes
Babs: I have accepted that
Babs: I don;t think steve madden is buying coke with my shoe money
Mom: ok that is a debatable issue however hope to God there is never a Prada store in any neighborhood where you live
Mom: I don;t like prada clothes or shoes
Babs: they are made for tiny women
Mom: that is good
Mom: yes since in the 90ties the thin Japanese women had all the money now there are homeless japanese ladies wearing prada a terrible delimma with the wind blowing it looks like it is snowing with all the pollen
Babs: it is disgusting here
Babs: my head still hurts
Mom: mine too it has to be the weather i even stepped on the scale and literally ate little yesterday and it said i gained 2 lbs
Babs: hahahaha that means nothing
Babs: you have to weigh in the morning
Mom: i did ok go easy i got these fudgesciles that are great from whoever i might save you one

2003-04-29T12:17:00.000-04:00

My best friend from childhood just got engaged. I realize this blog is for me to be all cranky, but I am not cranky about this. This is one of those cases where you feel like good has triumphed over evil and the good person gets to be happy for once. And amazingly, I like her fiance. This, of course, has more to do with me than him since I am the one with the issues with men. Most of them annoy me (men and my issues). I think it is the combined force of having two younger brothers and a slew of juvenile deliquent neighbors that solidified my skepticism of the male psyche. But my friend has found a good one. The only sad point is how old this makes me feel. I guess if the book of my childhood had to be slammed shut, a happy wedding is not a bad way to do it. And if she found a good guy that means they must exist... ahh but where are they? Is there like an island somewhere that they all go? She found hers at State College, PA which is decidedly in the middle of nowhere. Perhaps the good men are lost in suburbia! Come to the city men! Also, bring your attractive brothers and cousins, I have lots of single friends :)

2003-04-25T17:33:00.000-04:00

guest blog from mellowmel, commenting on dc's humble beginnings as swampland:
babs: I am so swamped here
mel: :-(
mel: bah! to swamps!
mel: i hope things dry up in desert-like fashion
babs: thank you
babs: me too
babs: !
mel: or perhaps could build small mid-atlantic city on top of swamp -- could eventually become capital of united crankystates

2003-04-23T22:34:00.000-04:00

happy belated Easter everyone! Cb is so tired that I can't even think what to complain about- it's that bad. As highlights of the past week, I spent some time with my grandparents both of whom are decidedly not cranky. But they do have an off sense of humor. For instance- in response to the horrible Laci Peterson murder my grandpa looks at grandma and says "if you cheated on me, I wouldn't kill you." To which my mom added, "yes, I wouldn't kill my husband, I'd just leave him." Oh wait- I can complain about The West Wing. Matthew Perry- stick to Friends and stay out of dramas! Even though WW is funny, it should NOT be the haven for former- Friends actors.

2003-04-06T23:50:00.000-04:00

I hardly know what to write. It has been awhile since my last blog. Suffice it to say that nothing has gotten better and many things in crankyland have gotten worse. Is there no limit to the amount of crap that can happen to one person? I am not seriously asking that because I know the answer is that no there is not. I have no idea how life actually works. I used to wonder, now I have resigned myself to the fact that wondering is a waste of time. I just show up in the morning and wait for the next bad thing to happen. Don't worry I have not totally lost my sense of humor, but it continues to threaten to go on vacation without me. Work is terrible right now. Boss is psychotic insane anti-social personality disorder stricken bitch. I mean that. I am not exaggerating. She has some disorder that needs medication. cb has learned the hard way though that you cannot force someone to get help. You can't even convince them. THEY have to hit what they consider to be rock bottom before they will get better. Boss seriously is going to prompt a class action labor lawsuit though. She is vicious. Example: I am the only person who did not cry in the office last week. Let me clarify. NO ONE should EVER be made to CRY at WORK. People should be on their best behavior. It is not the third grade schoolyard, kicking, screaming and punching others is not allowed. Especially if they are the little kids. For god's sake would it KILL evil boss to help us learn something. Actually it might....hmmm... interesting idea.

2003-03-26T23:34:00.000-05:00

mellowmel and I were discussing the possibility of an animated blog. I, of course, am lobbying for claymation. Whatever happened to claymation? The fabulous invention that brought us A California Raisins Christmas and of course, Gumby. I never actually watched Gumby, that was my little brother Dohboy's favorite. Along with Transformers and Thundercats. Both of which I thought were lame, because I was a very girly girl. Doey and I would occasionally agree to watching the She-Ra/He-Man crossover eps and Scooby Doo together but other than that we had very little shared interests. At any rate- here is what I propose our first claymation sketch be.
Crankybabs claymation girl is talking to claymellowmel who is absentmindedly eating thin mint cookies. At the end of a conversation claymellowmel looks up alarmed and says, "oh no, I just ate like nine of these cookies." Claycb says, "don't worry about it, I do that all the time- they are little, it is easy to lose track." Claymellowmel then says, "yes, after all, these cookies are for girls and I am a woman. I should totally get to have more than the recommended serving size on the box." Just then a giant clay thin mint flattens the clay heroines, but luckily they spontaneously regenerate. Behold the power of clay!

2003-03-26T14:33:00.000-05:00

Guest blog from friend Loracita:
"in a time of war, especially a war in an obscure, foreign region - I would like to propose that all correspondents be required to take a course in the correct pronunciation of the names of foreign countries, cities and leaders. To support my plight I would like to send along the fact that the newscaster on KYW News Radio 1060 used the name Euphrates, as in the river, 7 times in less than 2 minutes this morning. Of these seven times, he tried 6 different pronunciations of the river's name...including things such as "EE FRAT EES", "U FRATE IS", "YOU FRID EES"...before finally deciding that he liked the option of " AFRAID EES", using this the last two times. I will not even attempt to tackle the idea of Iraqi cities, and the constant mispronunciation of the QATAR...enough said thank you for your time"

2003-03-20T16:20:00.000-05:00

Musings on war:
I am just trying to get my head around what is going on and I thought a historical viewpoint might help. In order to further my case that war is wrong, and that this is the proper opinion to have, I have found it useful to take a broad overall view of the history of nation-conflict. I just have one question, notwithstanding Helen of Troy, who was being fought over and did not even really start the fight, when is the last time a woman instigated a large scale conflict with the potential of mass casualties? I keep thinking back through the female leaders of countries Corey Aquino, Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir- and I can't help thinking that bombing someone else is the uniquely male solution to problems. Could this be why when baby brother was mad at me he would just break something and when I was mad at him, I would frame him for something or tell my mom about something wrong he had done previously. In his method, my doll got broken, and in my undiplomatic/diplomatic method he was forced to undergo lectures aimed at a long term behavior change. So, anyway, aside from girls just generally being smarter, we should be world leaders as well.

2003-03-18T14:46:00.000-05:00

The latest in cb vs. maniacal boss:
Babs: she just yelled at me for writing a thank you letter wrong
Babs: a thank you for something SHE went to - I should not be writing it in the first place
melissa: "i was not at all interested in your event."
melissa: "it sucked"
melissa: "i am bitter and ungrateful."
melissa: "best, evil boss"
Babs: oh that is perfect
Babs: it is exactly the letter she would send if people could read between the lines
melissa: hahaha
Babs: this is a direct quote:
Babs: "Barbara, I want you to write like an executive"
melissa: "babs, i want you to write like a women of wwf star"
melissa: "babs, i want you to write like a cheap romance fiction novelist"
melissa: "babs, i want you to write like an oracle dba"
Babs: I could do such a great romance novelist letter
Babs: "dear bruce, I was incredibly gratified to meet with your hot hulking self and other members of the sultry Chicago Tribune editorial board to discuss traffic safety."
melissa: HAHAHAHAHHA

2003-03-15T18:40:00.000-05:00

Also in a seperate blog, I would like to clarify the official cb statement on psychological therapy. I have been accused about 12 times this week of thinking that "everyone should go into therapy." NO NO NO. I do not deal in absolutes like that. I most certainly believe that everyone should do something completely different from everyone else- we are not all drones. BUT- two things- one- if I advise you to go into therapy, I am not kidding- I think you need help. And two, if you find that you do any of the following you should go: uncontrollable crying, crying at happy hour, self-mutilation, uncontrolled panic attacks, being carried out of your office in a wheelchair, frequent wheezing, dizzy spells, dissociative fugue, vivid waking dreams, belief that you are somehow above the law or telekinetic, changing your one main goal in life three times a week ("I really only want to get married/become a doctor/own a couture house/live in Maui and make sea shell necklaces/teach yoga/own a condo in Paris") or just generally feeling helpless/hopeless/worthless. It is not judgmental of me to think people in those categories could benefit from professional help in addition to drug therapy. I really, sincerely, am only trying to help, and those of you who don't get that are pissing me off. Whatever happened to being grateful that someone, albeit a cranky someone, is looking out for you? Maybe I wouldn't be so cranky if I were that lucky. Just a thought. None of us is invincible- there is more than one person on earth so we can all turn to each other for help. And for the cynics- I don't even get paid to promote therapy- so really no axe to grind here. Just a friendly suggestion from the joy to the world department. I want nothing more than to never have to worry about/be cranky about friends again. And I will stop worrying, when I believe my friends are truly ok- just get the doctor's note and shut me up please!

2003-03-15T18:27:00.000-05:00

I would like to formally apologize to Mellow Mel for the unfortunate artichoke preparation incident preceding our Saturday dinner party. Apparently, artichokes are a complete bitch to prepare. I had no clue! They should come with warnings or something! I mean, I picked the recipe from the Jamie Oliver Naked Chef cookbook (no, pervs, he is not actually naked!) which purports to be an EASY way to cook. I apparently failed to read the disclaimer in which Jamie describes artichoke heart preparation as "a bit of a palaver" ! He wasn't kidding. Poor Mel was hacking at the things and then flipping the hearts out with a spoon. It was kind of funny actually. In that evil "why would anyone actually do this?" kind of way. But at any rate- next time- frozen pre-cut artichoke hearts. The guests better REALLY enjoy the food.

2003-03-12T17:34:00.000-05:00

mel would like to shout out that she has just made a blog for the anti-rudeness coalition of the dc metro riders association; in the spirit of crankybabs, and in the name of polite people everywhere! check it out at antirudeness.blogspot.com.

2003-03-07T14:26:00.000-05:00

Crankybabs actually likes Fridays. She does not like going to work on them but finds that no one in the office does either so we tend to chat alot. We also have a wall of jokes/interesting articles/whatever and there are always great end of the week submissions. Anyway- this is a great forward I was sent. (I do hate forwards but megabonus points to anyone who makes me laugh). It is religious themed and just in time for Lent! Hopefully no one out there is uptight enough to take offense since GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR- if he didn't none of us would be here. Enjoy!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

> 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
>
> 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>
> 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>
> 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>
> 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>
> 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
>
> 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
>
> 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
>
> 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
>
> 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
>
> 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
>
> 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
>
> 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
>
> 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2003-03-05T21:21:00.000-05:00

I completely love the movie I am watching- North by Northwest. Ladies- what a primer on seduction while on a train! "It's going to be a long night, and I don't particularly like the book I've started, you know what I mean?" I'll be sure to try that one out on the next Acela Regional to Philadelphia. Too bad there are never any attractive men on the train! That's what the U.S. needs to work on. So say we send all these servicemen to Iraq- I'm not saying I am interested in dating the military- but say we send these guys to Iraq. Would this not exacerbate the already intense man shortage? What is the Administration's plan to right this grievous injustice to women? Are they going to step up to the plate and import more men? Where will they get the men? Who will provide quality assurance on the new men? I have not yet read a decent well-planned strategy to address this. Which begs the question- just what are the joint chiefs of staff up to right now? We need to establish a new governmental bureau a la Department of Homeland Security to address this. Maybe we could call it DAM- Department for the Acquisition of Men. It could be part of HHS. I could be the DAM press secretary. Mellow Mel could do the DAM information architecture. Everyone I know could get a DAM job!

2003-02-27T16:24:00.000-05:00

Cb quote of the day: "I don't even like lines, why would I want to dance in one?" Overthought in response to mellow mel's sweet offer to join a group going country line dancing this evening.

2003-02-27T13:25:00.000-05:00

Oh no- I am the next level of cranky today- genuinely sad. One of my childhood icons, Mister Rogers has died. The man who singlehandedly cemented my desire to have a train in my living room has succumbed to cancer. You would think that all children's television hosts would live forever. Like a bonus for providing the world with quality tv. Not to be sacreligious but I wonder if the puppets will be at his funeral. God bless Mister Rogers!

2003-02-26T00:03:00.000-05:00

Crankybabs presents the first in a new informational series: what not to do when applying for a job. The following was sent to our office by a potential intern. I changed the name to protect the unfortunate.

Dear Employment Recruiter(s),
First and foremost, thank you for your valuable time and consideration.
> My name is #$#%#$ and I am currently a senior at #$##$@ University. I am looking for an internship or part-time position for the
Spring, or a full-time job to begin after graduating this coming May. The ideal employment will provide an opportunity to acquire and enhance my credentials, as well as utilize my accomplished and constructive skillfulness. Since the Spring semester of 2003 is my last as an undergraduate, the significance of my aggressive search is worthy of a rewarding and appropriate practical job. Although my past experience in journalism proved its worth at the time, two internships that I have engaged in, during the past two years, have given me numerous ways to practice and improve my writing aptitude, as well as sharpen my perceptive eye for editing. Most importantly, though, my undertakings revealed a niche where my skills and interests can provide optimal benefit as they apply to the business worl The first of the aforementioned opportunities transpired in May of 2001; a Marketing and Public Relations Intern position became available at University Hospital. By accepting this job offer, I was lucky enough to attain a
career foundation that felt comfortable, which prompted me to formulate the auspicious intentions I have as I look forward. My exceedingly suitable,yet originally too short, summer position thankfully ended a year later. This
extension allowed adequate time for me - not only to achieve a comprehensive understanding of marketing, communications, media affairs, medical promotions and research - it also immensely increased ability to relate to,write for, and grasp the many perspectives of the audiences that inevitably vary and exist. The substantial functions I was permitted to perform
included writing an abundance of hospital press releases, articles for its weekly newsletter, content for its Web site, and an assortment promotional materials for publication. My subsequent internship was for a summer program at &%&%# in New York, NY, an advertising agency that specializes in pharmaceuticals
and consumer health. I worked in the interactive advertising division, @%$##, as Editorial Intern under the supervision of the Managing Editor.Although I didn't have as many chances to write as previously, the job
certainly didn't fall short in providing beneficial knowledge and insight, let alone job responsibility and result-oriented follow through. ;
consequently, despite its brevity, working at this company enabled my exposure to multiple aspects of the fields
that most interest me. I would like to conclude by thanking you once again. I hope you will consider me a strong candidate for the type of work I am seeking; I look forward to hearing from you and prospectively working with your company in the near future.

2003-02-25T17:39:00.000-05:00

This morning cb had a huge migraine (oh the pressure of being a genius 24-7!) so she is going to do that annoying web thing where people copy and paste their completely clever dialogs over im into the blog. [Note: babs and mel's im names are obviously not just babs and mel- I have diabolically changed them to protect our guilt- mwa ha ha ha ha- enjoy!] The Turkish references involve a store in our basement selling "fine" Turkish goods. Please don't ask.
Babs: I am going to have the brain removed
Babs: not sure when
mel: ouch!
mel: will you get it replaced?
mel: perhaps we can buy a new one in the underground
Babs: hahahah
Babs: good call
Babs: I shudder to think what it would be like
mel: you can get a turkish brain!!!
Babs: but could be interesting- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
mel: i bet your fashion sense would change
Babs: that would be awesome!
mel: babs, you cannot wear a sequined bra top to work!
mel: you will catch cold!
Babs: hahahahah
Babs: yes yes
Babs: I shudder to think
Babs: I bet it is warmer in Turkey
mel: we should just have sequined bra tops so that if anyone ever rifles through our drawers (fbi, cia, thieves) they will know we are interesting and have mysterious other lives
mel: true, probably warmer
Babs: hahah
Babs: we should work on the belly dancer costumes
Babs: just in case
Babs: you can never be too prepared
Babs: we should also get some wigs and hair dye in case we need to go "on the run"
mel: hahahahaha
mel: yes, you can never be too prepard for that inevitable flight from the law
Babs: especially if you are us

2003-02-22T19:18:00.000-05:00

I have returned- another year older but no less cranky. So what is new in cb's world- I have set up an e-mail so people can get in touch with me. Please note- I do NOT want to be contacted for any reason. I also reserve the right to never check, read or respond to any e-mail messages. But if you still wanna try it- e-mail me at crankybabs@yahoo.com. Since it was just my birthday I have been thinking about the things that make me intrinsically me. For example, my name. Which for those geniuses out there- is actually Barbara. So every year I think about all the famous Barbaras. Barbra Streisand, Barbara Bush, Barbara Walters, Barbara Hershey, Barbara Eden. And I have come to the conclusion that I hate them all. Maybe not Barbara Eden (I Dream of Jeannie was a stupid but otherwise enjoyable show.) My opinion on the other people of my name is that they should be rounded up and submitted to 465 solid hours of their speeches/songs/interviews/movies. The last Barbara standing after that might find a place into my good graces. Although I will still hate the name. On to other topics- my birthday was fun, a little mortifying but fun. Let's just say there are some restaurants in town to which I can never return. That's fine. I didn't want to eat elk loin anyway. The offer is still good though- anyone finishing the entire loin gets free drinks on me. I could tell you some highlights of the birthday but um well they involve cats and Sesame Street. At the very least we have a new mascot- Junior the smelly bulimic toothless cat owned by my friend J. Bu. And I can take no credit for her name since she came up with that all by herself. Birthday bonus points go to Island Meems for creating some memorable new pick-up lines. But someone else can write about those because I am not sure the world is ready. I also don't hate the people who are reading this enough to subject them to it yet.

2003-02-21T14:51:00.000-05:00

happy birthday crankybabs!

2003-02-20T22:49:00.000-05:00

Despite Mel's defense of unity or Joe Millionaire or whatever, I must give her props for getting the little illustrations to work. I would like to title the pictures you see "these are a few of my favorite things." To that end I almost bought the DVD of The Sound of Music, then realized I was REALLY old. Can you be too old for that movie? People dancing in the Austrian woodland, creative curtain use, the Captain. I am happy to announce that none of the DVDs I own star Sally Field. Of whom I am now tired. Also crankybabs is rumored to look like Sally Field....specious rumors. We have girl scout cookies at home now- I wonder what the Samoans think of Samoa cookies. Who names the cookies? Was there a Samoan girl scout who was like: "name the cookie after me!" Why are there no angry cookie names? Like "teenage angst" or "7th grade clique" The cookies should represent something girls can relate to. I've never met a Samoan. I HAVE experienced angst. I'll write a petition to Girl Scouts of America.

2003-02-20T17:22:00.000-05:00

In response to Mel, crankybabs would like to post her official position on any sort of unity: I HATE it! Unity haters unite!

2003-02-20T17:06:00.000-05:00

mel would just like to shout out that she watched the "joe millionaire" finale and part of "the bachelorette" finale because this is america, and she would like to represent both as a patriot and as an active participant in our shared culture. (this is also why mel watches the superbowl and the last game of the world series.) she is looking forward to the "knocked up by america" finale, which she will watch in the same spirit of togetherness and unity.

2003-02-19T22:12:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Mellow Mel for posting the Chicago Manual of Style's style guide sentence on how to correctly spell out numerals. I came across that today in round two with evil boss who has completely forgotten my extreme intelligence and has taken to making me check everything I do in an orange book. I am right but yet I must check in the book to humor her. Perhaps if she knew she were the subject of so many of my invectives she would mend her ways....perhaps not. I find myself aghast at Mel's decision to watch the reality dating series, i.e. Joe Millionaire and the Bachelorette. I am not actually admitting this but I believe a show called "are you hot?" was also viewed in my apartment. Apparently the newest is Married by America, which I will not watch. I will however be watching (from morbid curiosity) Knocked Up by America the inevitable sequel in which two absolutely incompatible strangers will be forced to procreate and then raise a child for the next 18 years together. Sounds like a hit!

2003-02-19T18:30:00.000-05:00

"Furious, Babs walked three and one-half miles through the snow to Margaret's house."

2003-02-17T16:53:00.000-05:00

Argh! Enough with the snow! This is making me cranky- all this stuck in the house, forced reading and television watching and internet surfing! I want to go to the mall and shop! I do NOT want to wait one whole hour for a train to go one stop away- you think the metro would get their act together and learn to drive in the snow. I cannot believe how the quasi-south shuts down for this! I also miss my snowsuit! I should be outside building a snow fort and pelting snowballs at my little brothers. You think boredom would be confined to children and that with adulthood would come some sort of automatic way to avoid boredom. RRR- apparently not. I WAS going to watch Oprah but she has been pre-empted for extended snow coverage on every channel. Ok, so the only people I don't envy are newcasters who have to say things like, yes, it is, in fact, still snowing and oh, goodness, look- there is still snow on the ground! I would make a terrible newscaster- I would be like- "look, it's cold- there is white stuff on the ground, just stay inside, unlike me, who is not paid enough to be out here right now, in fact, I quit. Can I quit on air- should I be more dramatic about this? I QUIT!! Where's my mochachino!" Ok well so much for that. Also is President's Day here- I do not think the Founding Fathers anticipated snow when the picked DC as the nation's capital. If only they had known then what we know now. Ok- well have fun in the snow!

2003-02-13T15:24:00.000-05:00

We are forming a support group at work to escape from my evil boss. I have even gone so far as to dabble in Wicca (burning sage) to try to dispel the evil spirit that has a tenacious hold on my boss. I am three steps from calling in an exorcist or some sort of karma expert to explain the concept of what goes around comes around to her. i.e. if you are an evil bitch to people don't be all shocked when people are mean to you back. No wonder nothing good ever happens to her- even crankybabs knows you have to do something good first. I feel bad for my other boss, a truly nice guy who is seemingly too frightened of this Amazon to stand (or more accurately) peer up at her. It is 2:45 and she has managed to alienate the entire office. Seriously, can one person constitute a hostile work environment? Will have to ask Mellow Mel if can get boss added to EPA's list of environmental poisons. She told my co-worker today who had dressed up and looked quite nice in a black suit that she looked like she was going to a sophisticated funeral. Ouch. You can all guess who's funeral my co-worker wished she was headed to. Yet another unbelievably cranky day here. Maybe aforementioned boss is actually in charge of the workplace terrorist branch of Al-Qaeda. Oh, to end on a positive note- have triumphed over evil package lady and have really cute outfit to wear tomorrow. Take that!

2003-02-11T20:47:00.000-05:00

I would like to give props to Mellow Mel for cyanifying the blog! I have to admit though that I always thought cyan was a dark rust color. Is it named cyan because it's the color of cyanide? I thought cyanide was white! What have I been poisoning everyone with? Oh no- only 3 more days until Valentine's Day! By all rights I should hate this holiday, which I do partly, but my favorite color is red and I love chocolate so in that way I love the holiday. I am giving up chocolate for Lent- THAT should be interesting- and hard! I am also giving up going into work late- um, well, I'll try that anyway. Especially considering that today I got in at 10:15! STILL before my boss though. [so let's review- my co-workers are alcoholics whom are regularly late to work- see how I fit in well?] I have just realized that I am slacking on the avenging duties- I need to write another letter to effect the downfall of the powersource diamond regime- and to definitely smackdown on our evil mailroom lady who was really vicious when I tried to claim my package. it's MY mail- dammit! I should not have to pick it up at HER convenience. Pain in the ass! Plus which, she has posted hours [i.e. 9- 9:07 A.M. 1 PM - 3:27 PM - heaven help you if you wanted to get YOUR package at 3:28 PM]

2003-02-07T21:47:00.000-05:00

So you might be wondering- who is crankybabs and what right does she have to be cranky? Well, by day cb toils as a lowly scribe but at night (and in her free time) she works as the people's avenger, writing angrily-worded letters to the evil powersource diamond regime that controls her roommate Mellow Mel's life. Crankybabs also takes on her grammatically challenged apartment manager and his mountains of poorly worded memos advising us of the latest domestic threat (purse snatchers three counties away!) or badly mangling the connotations of words by mentioning how gratifying he finds it to meet all of us. Yech! Now, I think it is sweet when people find it nice to meet me but if someone else's source of gratification involves merely conversing with me, he has serious issues. Ok, well cb has been drinking at work again (it's ok, we all were- the benefits of having a southern boss) and might have to call it a night before she embarasses herself. Happy weekend to all!

2003-02-06T21:41:00.000-05:00

YAY! Welcome to Crankybabs' blog! I'm not quite as cranky as usual today since I want to spend my first blog thanking my fabulous roommate Mellow Mel for setting up the blog for me. This way I get all my nice feelings out and get to go back to my comfortable angstyness. I have only 15 days left of 23 so I need to pack it with as much malaise as possible. That should be hard for me. Ok, as I write this I have actually been bitten by a spider or bug or something. It is winter. All the insects should be dead now. Seriously. Alright- I am actually going to go do something productive like watch television.

2003-02-06T13:38:00.000-05:00

mel has finally gotten around to creating crankybabs: the blog. here it is.