crankybabs: the people's avenger

babs is cranky. she has stuff to shout out. read it here.
praise for crankybabs

"babs is fabulously eloquent and brilliantly funny"

the new york times gives babs! five stars

newsweek says "unforgettable"

time says "she's so damn weird, you just can't take your eyes off her"

women's wear daily raves, "i never would have worn that but somehow she pulled it off"
special thx to mel's coworkers, who generously devote their time to vetting and qa'ing crankybabs:



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Thursday, September 11, 2003
Hahahahahaha- crankiness reigns again! This time I am after the subgenre of technical support workers who feel the need to malign the fact that my home computer is running Windows 95. Yes, 95 is old. Yes, I realize that. No, I am not at all interested in getting an update. Why not? I'm sorry, I don't think I need one just because some 18 year old thinks my operating system is prehistoric. At any rate, I am sitting here using my 95, not downloading the latest security breach patch, knowing that all the precious college papers I wrote are not being hacked into by thugs desperate to pass Psych 003.

Sunday, September 07, 2003
Crankybabs is back! After a long hiatus, during which she experienced the elation of a new job and quitting a terrible job, a trip to London (my most favorite place in the world save Venice) and some tense lease negotiations. I am finally back to my cranky self. I believe this is because my 25th birthday creeps ever closer and the sad realization that I am not everything I thought I would be by 25 tolls in my head. I am on a good path to somewhere and have no real complaints, except perhaps that I am not the glamorous American youth presented on television. My life as a single city girl is a far cry from Friends or Bridget Jones or other shows where things really happen to people and crazy circumstances work out marvelously in the protagonist's favor. In my case, life is quotidian, samey and slightly dull. Quirky but really mainly dull. In a twisted way I miss the verbal abuse of Amazonia, I mean not really miss but it gave me something to hate. And now I find myself being mellow and hating that even more.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003
I figure that with the war being over and me liking my new job, all I have left to complain about is entertainment. I am disappointed in the quality of today's programming. The latest horrific one was "who wants to marry my dad?" Answer: I don't know, but perhaps you kids aren't doing daddy a favor by finding him a wife via tv show. Is it really that different than ordering him a bride by mail? At any rate, Malibu Mel and I got sucked into the Caesar miniseries starring none other than Jeremy Sisto of Clueless, Chris Noth "Big" of Sex & the City and Dumbledore of Harry Potter. The worst thing about this movie, by far, was that we enjoyed it. And Melly and I sat there thinking "ooh, I wonder what happens next!" And then we came to the horrifying realization that we should KNOW what happens next. I mean it is based on historical fact. Between the two of us, we correctly identified that Caesar was Roman, and may or may not have been affiliated with the eponymous salad dressing and pregnancy surgery. So in my new found lack of knowledge, I decided to rectify the gap in my education by watching more movies about ancient times. And what better place to start than Cleopatra starring Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton, Rex Harrison, Martin Landau and Archie Bunker from All in the Family (that's true.) This movie is just screaming to be featured on Mystery Science Theater. Between the brilliant captioning ["Egyptian music playing"- that was unexpected in a movie about Egypt], the low tech fight scenes (was that a canvas backdrop?) and best yet the finest collection of inverted pots, vases, and bejewelled turbans that any actress has ever worn in all recorded films, this movie offers something for everyone. It's also 4 hours long. I guess Gladiator sort of tried to capture the same timeframe but Russell Crowe was just so damn earnest. Liz Taylor, on the other hand was like I am wearing a forty pound gold encrusted dress, the largest fake eyelashes ever created and the pot that once contained the director's ficus, and I am going to say my lines, roll my eyes, and run off with a few of my costars. In a way- it is the ultimate girl power film.

Monday, July 07, 2003
Babs has a cold. Blech! It is so hot outside and so cold inside (at work where I can't control the temperature) that I couldn't help it. I have discovered a few things with my cold though- 1. I hate nasal sprays but they work. I think sticking anything up your nose is a bad idea. 2. In movies like Scarface when they have actors "snorting" coke- how do they do that? Did Al Pacino really snort like half a kilo of pixie stick powder? Or is there like a sticky substance in the rolled up dollar bills that catches the powder? And worst yet, how am I ever going to fing out the answer? Will I have to wait until an actor who played an addict appears on an online chat or something? Any other suggestions?

Friday, June 27, 2003
Ahhh- life is good in crankyland! Why is that? It's my week off after escaping from job hell. I've written a limited amount about my ex-boss (maybe not limited enough). For a better idea of exactly what she's like read "The Devil Wears Prada." An eerily accurate description of Amazonia. Hard to read at times if you are still suffering PTSD from work, but funny. So on my week off I have done the following: listened to an intense amount of Willie Nelson and given serious consideration to just running off to West Virginia and living on a mountaintop (there's still time), been tax free shopping in Delaware, watched tv, lots and lots of tv and finally, in a fit of being social, agreed to leave the house after 2 pm to go drinking with old friends. A good week. Tomorrow I return to the compound to renegotiate my lease with malibumel. (her new moniker makes me briefly consider changing my name to Summerfun Barbie, but no one would actually call me that). My next task is to make July 4th plans. From now on, I am schedulihg my own holidays, when they are convenient for me. Maybe I want to celebrate America's independence on March 24- what about that? Maybe February 21st should be a national holiday commemorating any woman who stays married to the same man for more than 10 years without trying to run him over with a car. At any rate, I will work on that whole "choose your own holiday" thing.

Sunday, June 22, 2003
Oh- I forgot to add the disclaimer that I will now be working for a branch of powersource diamond. Or at least the company that manages the powersource diamond account. I will not be doing anything technical though, since I couldn't even if I wanted to. I have no skills whatsoever, and yet I manage to get hired and am unsuccessful, despite repeated attempts at getting fired from jobs when I want to. What a weird thing to complain about.
I've done it- I have finally escaped from my evil, evil ex-workplace. My former co-workers and I have taken to calling it the Hotel California since Amazonia (my female boss- so named because of her impressive height) and my male boss (who was always nice to me so I cannot think of an appropriate nickname for) make it hard to leave. Almost impossible. During my I quit/I'm giving two weeks notice conversation they threatened to NOT let me go on vacation. Then they tried to get me to stay until July 7, the first convenient day for me to leave. Finally, when those two possibilities fell through, they denigrated my whole entire new career choice with the oh-so-subtle statement "I don't want to be a wet blanket, but the tech sector isn't doing very well right now, so I really hope you are making the right decision." Thanks, Amazonia, sweet as always. Why don't you just get it all out and express your deep shock that another living human would hire me. At any rate, that is all history. I will miss my old co-workers, with whom I had become close as work became more and more like an internment camp. But I will not be looking back. Oh, no, no regrets about leaving. On to bigger and what has to be better things. I don't even want to think about what could possibly be worse!

Friday, June 13, 2003
I've found that the Chicago Manual of Style offers some excellent grammatical example sentences that also somehow refer to me. I'm not sure if the editors make these sentences up or if they are from some actual novel, but this Babs must be quite a character!
"Charlotte and I stayed away from the piazza that afternoon because we feared Babs might still be there."
"Babs was seen entering the Villa Sorrento, where Tom was staying."
"When Babs asked Morgenstern to drive her to the piazza, his reply was, "Ah my dear, if only I had the time!"
"Babs wondered uneasily when Anselm had discovered the key was missing."
I'll have more in the future- those were too good not to share!


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